Depression and the New Year

 Depression and the New Year

                                                           

 12-31-11

            New Year’s Eve is a very special day of the year; a day when everyone is happy and excited and celebrating what hopefully will be a new and different, fulfilling adventure. For depressants, often times, it is at most a day full of stressful doubts of dreams solemnly hoped for.  Depressants try to make New Years Resolutions positive and realistic but to be honest; personally, I just really go through the motions, being controlled by the numbness that I feel most of the time, anyway.

            I don’t mean to seem so down and well, depressed, but I guess in a way, I am. That’s how depressants are. Some of us don’t really get excited about a New Year coming. We don’t really make New Year’s Resolutions, unless you could call hoping that this year you make that ‘shift’ into that ‘better place’ and you actually do start feeling better all of the time, you actually do start believing that you are an ok person and you actually do stop worrying all the time about everything that isn’t going to happen anyway. That would be super nice. But you wish that every New Year’s Eve. What are you wishing for this year?

            It’s hard to be vulnerable like this. Vulnerability is weakness, right? Some even see it as a bitterness. (I can’t tell you how many times I have been judged and called bitter by people who have no clue; people who just don’t understand.) Mean people.  But it isn’t bitterness. It’s sadness. I mean, we’re depressed, people!  Until you’ve walked in my shoes…ya know?  Being vulnerable is being strong and it has taken me a long time to be honest about my feelings about my depression. I know people who are depressed who haven’t reached this point, who are still ‘pretending’ and locked into that mode of extreme stress. (When you let go and just be honest, some of the stress does go away and it helps.)

            I guess the one thing that a depressant lacks is passion. Passion drives us to strive forward and achieve, dream, plan and create. Depressants are just tired and lack desire to do anything. The commercials on TV are true. Depressants find themselves just sitting around staring at something, thinking the same thoughts over and over, reclusing themselves in their homes, trying to avoid others, sleeping a lot or finding themselves in patterns of insomnia. But most certainly, it is done alone or with one person who they have let into their safe little world or within the confines of their family home, away from prying eyes and questions they don’t want to answer. The stress is just too embarrassing because there are no answers.

            Even though there are reasons for our depression, there is shame and guilt that goes along with it. Shame that comes with not being able to maintain a sense of happiness like everyone else, shame that everyone else knows you can’t reach a level of joy in the simplest of situations. Guilt that you feel you have done something wrong for NOT being about to feel the happiness and joy, guilt that you feel the worthlessness.

Shame and guilt, even though you rationally know it’s partly biochemical, even though it does come from some of life’s occurrences; Life’s occurrences that you just can’t seem to shake off. 

One of my psychiatrists gave me a diagnosis of PTSS: Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  It was a shock but explained a lot the nightmares, the negative premonitions, etc - The things of the past that just wouldn’t go away no matter how much time had past and how many good things had occurred to replace them. I, in no way, am saying that I have it as badly as those poor guys who have come back from the wars with PTSS. But I have it non-the-less. And I can tell you, it’s no walk in the park.

 The nightmares are the worse. I can’t tell you the number of times my friends and my husband have woke me up from nightmares in the middle of the night, when I have been calling out “Help me, help me!” or something similar to that. It’s gone on for 30 years now. I don’t see that it will ever stop. I don’t see anything that can change it. It is depressing to know that, too. The nightmares are horrendous. The days following are super-depressing and full of anxiety, to say the least.

This may not be a very uplifting or positive New Years Eve blog, but I wanted to be honest about how I am feeling today. I mostly feel numb, as usual. I am grateful and blessed to have 2 happy, healthy daughters and son-in-laws, 9 grandchildren, who are safe, healthy and well taken care of and the most wonderful husband in the world.  I really couldn’t be happier, in my given situation, than I am right now. I have to accept I won’t ever feel ‘the normal happy’. With my family’s support, I’ll maintain ‘my’ norm. With my meds, hopefully, the Major Depressive episodes won’t return.

To all you Depressants, let us know we are not alone. Hopefully, we can have some fun, too! Try all the stress reliever techniques, the positive thinking and deep breathing. Let us put on our smiles and remember how lucky we are to have another year to even work towards our goals of shedding those shrouds of depression we have fought so valiantly against!

 Nonetheless, here’s hoping everyone has a happy, healthy and successful New Year! May your families grow in love and joy!  God Bless You and Yours! Be HappyJ

           

                A Cup of Jo – Happy New Year – 2012!