The Stress Connection to Anxiety and Depression

            There are things that people are concerned about that turn into anxiety or it may remain as worry. There is a continuum where stress is concerned and worry is another word for this type of distress. Stress, when viewed on a continuum, looks likes this: eustress –stress—distress.

            Eustress is the type of stress most associated with nervousness that precedes something important like an exam, the first day at a new job, or asking your girlfriend to marry you. It is an anticipatory stress, a good stress that we have all experienced many times in our lives from daily interactions.

            Stress includes things such as bills coming due, an argument with your mate or children or work difficulties (not getting the job promotion you applied for).  Stress in life is unavoidable, as life has a way of having its way with us. Stresses can begin to get out of hand for us all; adults, teens and children. Add to the everyday challenges an illness of a family member, a geographic move, a relationship break-up, loss of a job, bankruptcy,

a major accident, or unable to find a new job, and soon you will find yourself in major stresses.

            Stress, although normal, has an accumulative nature. It builds up over time. We cannot always remove existing stress before new stress is piled on. That is particularly true in the present economy. It is also true when people mentioned they were diagnosed with an illness such as cancer and then find themselves going through a divorce and then find they don’t have any health insurance. It can be a bit more than a person can handle.

KEYS POINTS REGARDING STRESS:        

            -Stress is a part of life occurring in both positive and negative events

            -Reactions to stress differ from individual to individual

            -Some people feel stress more in their bodies, some in their thoughts and some               more in their feelings.

            -Distress is an emotionally upsetting influence

            -We can learn to effectively manage stress and to effectively manage certain

             distress

            -Coping skills are life skills for handling, dealing or managing stress and distress.

Distress is when it becomes more than you can handle. The stresses are too many or too intense. Fragmentation takes place inside the person.  How we know distress is taking place is when emotional upset has become a constant companion. People start removing things from their lives because they can no longer manage those things. In distress people remove things where it seems the most obvious to them that they can let something go. It is not unlike what is currently taking place in the economy.  People are cutting down on their groceries, going to the dentist, or visiting their doctor. These are not always the wisest places to make a cut.

            Distress can become collectively known as psychological stressors. This is when things have become emotionally upsetting and the feelings are pervasive and not easily eliminated.

PSYCOLOGICAL STRESSORS (DISTRESS) can combine with Traumatic Events and lead to Losses.

Losses may lead to Feelings of Powerlessness and Helplessness which leads to more Loss.

Loss may then lead to Depression.

The depression I am speaking about here is functional depression or depression that evolves as a function of the things going on in your life.

The above scenario can go on for a period of time and if it does there is a breakdown of coping skills. We all have copying skills even though we may be unaware that we are using them. When copying skills begin to break down it becomes obvious that we are undergoing an experience of more loss.

Effective coping skills for you might be watching a movie, talking to someone, spending time with friends, looking for the humor in a situation, petting the dog, listening to music, exercise or reading a good book.

When coping skills begin to break down there is an erosion that takes place around those areas. You are going to the movies less, spending time with friends less, ignoring the dog, exercising less, and not talking to people as much.

When coping skills are becoming ineffective or unhealthy the humor may be impossible to find, the book is no longer being read, the dog is exiled to the back yard for longer and longer periods of time, and you are not watching movies or speaking to friends. Here you have little time for yourself or too much time with little energy to use the time for enjoyment. Feelings of loneliness, sadness, depression and being unkind to yourself are characteristics of ineffective coping skills.

Ineffective coping skills looks like a house that a bulldozer has begun destroying. No time with friends, no books to be found, no dog in the yard, and you may feel lost and confused. Thinking may have lost clarity and direction. You may feel very alone like a brown leaf blowing down the street. You may not be sure who you are anymore.

Coping skills breaking down or becoming ineffective or unhealthy is one of the first signs that you have moved into depression. It always begins with stress.

If any of this feels like something you may recognize as what you are going through or something that you feel someone you know is going through, please find someone to talk to about it. Find a friend, a loved one, a pastor, a counselor, a psychiatrist, or me. You need to talk to someone about it. It’s important to get it out and get some input and help. Depression is a very serious disorder than can lead to more serious situations, even suicide. Depression can last a short time or can stay for ever so don’t wait another minute. If you see yourself in any of these scenarios, reach out. I am here. You can message me. I will be glad to put you in touch with someone who can help you or I will be glad just to listen in complete confidentiality. I don’t claim to be a medical professional but I will be a friend. And a friend is the first step to getting help.

Remember, eustress leads to stress (anxiety) which leads to distress and can progress to depression. If you find yourself in need of a friend, at least you can have A Cup of Jo today. Stay HealthyJ

Referenced: Dr. Nannete B Mongeluzzo

Foregiveness

Everyone does something in the course of their lives that they regret and wish they could take back or re-do in some way. You can’t live and this not happen at some point. As we grow older, we try to become mature and think before we speak or act, but at some point, things happen that push us beyond that point and negative things occur. Sometimes something brings out the bad in us and causes us to say or do things that we regret. Hopefully, it is only words that can be taken back and not something that has caused us to lash out physically. I personally, thank God, have never gone that far. But I am guilty of saying things that I regret and have had to say “I’m sorry” many times.

For the most part, I am a gentle, quiet person, a loner, not a gossip,  a ‘gotta see it to believe it’ kind of person. But I’m human. And I’m a depressant. My imagination goes wild with me at times, telling me the worse of all things, when I think about things that are going on, until I get into a great sadness over something that isn’t even reality. That’s what depressants do. So put that on top of something that happens to you that is true, that is hurtful and saddens you and you have a very depressed person who finds it hard to find their way back to a happy place. And, therefore, you find a person who finds it hard to forgive.

Before my father died, he put me in charge of taking care of my mom and her affairs after he died. The papers were drawn up and everything was done legally. When he died, I did everything I could to take care of my mom the best way I could. For about 4 years before he died, mom was diagnosed with Senile Dementia (Alzheimer’s) and was showing definite signs of the disorder. I was living in a different city about 30 minutes away and had to travel that distance each day to take care of mom’s legal and medical needs, so I had to quit work. I sold my house and moved into a house next door to my moms. The pressures of all the stress of my dealings with mom put added stress on my marriage and added to the problems I was having with my two teenage daughters, one in which I had custody of a grand-daughter, so I divorced. It got so bad, I couldn’t watch mom from down the road so I renovated daddy’s shop which was right behind mom’s house and moved in there to better watch over her. One of my daughters moved out and one of my daughters and grand-daughter came with me. I didn’t want to upset my mother’s environment in any way because that would have upset her dementia even worse so I chose to move in the shop. It wasn’t ideal for me but it was ideal for mom.

My brother and sisters didn’t seem to appreciate the way I did things even though they weren’t doing anything to help. Mother didn’t have much money to begin with. Then she began to use up all of her household items over and over which meant she needed them replaced over and over which cost money over and over. She did a lot of traveling. She gave a lot of money away to her grand-children. Her brother borrowed money. My brother borrowed a lot of money. It would take too much time to explain it all in detail. I still have the ledger I kept throughout the whole ordeal that shows that when my brother and sisters took control from me, that I was using my money to take care of my mother. She had spent all of hers.

Along with all of that, my oldest daughter had gotten busted and it had cost $15,000 in attorney’s fees to keep her from going to the penitentiary and mom & I had paid for that too. I paid $10,000 and mom paid $5,000. There was no other way and mom knew exactly what was going on. I never did anything without her knowing what was going on. I never gave my brother money without asking mom first and she would say “Go ahead and give it to him. You know your daddy would anyway.” At other times she would just tell me to give her ‘x’ amount of money to give her brother and I would because it was her money and hers to do with what she wished. So I would. I did it that way because I figured I was going to be taking care of her the rest of her life and I was going to be footing the bills the rest of her life so it didn’t matter. (I was drawing $2,500 in renewal income each month from an insurance company I had worked for so I could take care of her.)None of my siblings offered to help financially ever. Then mom, when prompted by them, began asking where her money was. Well, it was gone. I had invested some of it but it didn’t do so well. A lot of people lost money back then and we were one of them.  They held that against me.

Mother needed monitoring physically. That’s why I lived in the shop. But instead of getting someone in to watch after her in her own home they took mother out of her house and put her in a three homes. One she escaped out of, one she caught the kitchen on fire (come to find out this was a home where people with Alzheimer’s disease weren’t supposed to go into). Then they put her into a nursing home and behind locked doors. It was too early. She was still able to take care of herself with a caregiver like I was doing, but they weren’t willing to do that. I am a Geriatrics Alzheimer’s Nurse and I know she could have stayed home much longer.

In the meantime, I moved to SC. She was in that Nursing Home in MS for several years and my brother never visited her once and he lived in that city. I visited her several times.  She finally died. I had just been diagnosed with Glomerular Sclerosis, a fatal kidney disease plus I had a major panic attack and my doctor had told me not to travel at that point so I couldn’t go to the funeral .Do you know hard it is not to be able to go to your own mother’s funeral? Well, instead of understanding, they judged me for not being there and a lot of negativity has passed between us since then. I had been ostracized.

Now it’s been years and many negative things have been said back and forth. Once I thought we had made up only to find out that wasn’t the case. I have still been outcast. I did not do anything to anyone of them. I just tried to take care of my mother the best way I knew how. I gave up my life to take care of her. I am a depressant and have had to deal with this along with all the other issues of life besides dealing with the issue of depression itself. But now I realize I have to forgive them anyway. I’ve come to realize that I don’t hate them. I just feel sorry for them.

To me, they treated mom in a horrible manner to take her from her safe haven, her home, and put her in those strange environments when she had lost her partner in life and was lost in her disease too. She needed to stay home. Daddy had left her in my care because he knew I knew how to take care of her and that I would keep her at home until she died. To me they did her wrong. They have to live with that. I don’t. I gave up my life to let her live hers. Then again, I’m sure I didn’t do everything right. None of us do. We just try.

So I am here to say I forgive them. They thought they were doing what was right and I thought I was doing what was right. I think they just wanted control. They thought they were getting some money or something, I don’t know. I still inherited the house when it was all over with and had the privilege of renovating it when I moved in after mom died. I know what I did was right. I did what dad asked me to do and I have no regrets.

So I officially forgive them for the pain and sorrow they caused me over these years. I will now let it go and let live. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone deserves to be forgiven. I forgive them and will try to make amends. Trust is the next issue I will have to deal with, though. But I will deal with it too.

 Maybe you have someone you need to forgive too. If so, I encourage you to do so. It’s not worth hanging onto the negativity and hurt that goes along with not forgiving someone. Let it go and let peace fill that place in your heart. Life is too short to hold a grudge and family is too important. You may not get back all the relationships that have been affected, but if you can repair even one, it’s worth the humility. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive someone today and I hope you have A great Cup of Jo today too! Be HappyJ

Nightmares

A few days ago someone called me out of the blue and began to lambaste me about something that happened 9 years ago between my husband and myself right after we had met and were getting to know each other, getting used to each other’s ways and getting used to compromising in our marriage. I reminded this person that #1, it was 9 years ago and #2, and most importantly, it isn’t any of his business, to which he demanded it was his business because he is close to my husband. Well, I’ve got news for you, I don’t care who you are, it is not any of your business. What goes on between me and my husband in our marriage is not your business and never will be.  I didn’t listen too much of his ranting and just politely told him I was going to hang up and promptly did.

However, this upset me and has been on my mind since then. It has put a damper on the fact that I have been trying to be upbeat and positive for my husband who has been at school and going through a very stressful time right now. I didn’t mention it to him. He didn’t need to hear about this right now. But it bothered me because 9 years ago this same person called me up the night before I took the Real Estate Exam and cursed me out over the same thing and got me so upset I flunked the test. It was a big deal back then and has brought it all back to me again. It is very upsetting. It infuriates me to think someone else thinks my business is their business and would call me up and curse me out. Let me let you in on a secret buddy “there are two sides to every story!” and people do and say things when they are getting to know each other that are irrelevant later on in life.

Nightmares. When I get upset, I tend to have terrible nightmares. Not just ordinary nightmares, but nightmares with demons and death and hiding and running away from demons and vicious rape and such. So this has been going on for two nights now. I can’t get any good sleep because of these terrible nightmares. I don’t know why my mind does this to me but it always does when something like this is bothering me. Something that I can’t do anything about. Something that someone is doing to me that I have no control over. Well, you might say, you have control over it. Just don’t let it bother you. Well, during the day I rationalize and say he has no business in my business and I don’t take his calls, but I guess it effects my subconscious because once I go to sleep, the nightmares come. It’s very, very frustrating. I always end up just waking myself up very early (3-4am) in the morning, when I just can’t stand any more dreaming. I can wake myself up after a while of it.

Nightmares have always been a part of my depression. The nightmares actually started when I was a little girl about the age of 5 or 6. I can remember 2 specific dreams I used to dream over and over all the time that I could tell you right now every detail of. And all my life I’ve had nightmares. That is why I take the Resperidone. I used to take 4 mg a night (enough to knock out a horse). Then I found I was too sedated throughout the day to handle it so I backed it back to 3 mg. Then we lost our jobs and the med is very expensive so I backed it back to 2 mg. I think I need to bring it back up to 3 mg again. I can’t handle these nightmares. I think today when I order my weekly amount of meds I’ll go for 3 mg. Resperidone is an anti-psychotic. Isn’t it pitiful that I have to take an anti-psychotic to get rid of the effects of a person’s ignorance and rudeness and its effect on my tender psyche?  Well, I’ll do what I have to do…the nightmares are just that bad.

People should think about how they affect others before they go and speak their minds and be rude and ugly and smartass to someone. You never know how it’s going to affect that other person. You don’t know what that person has gone through and what it will cause them to go through again. It’s not the right thing to do. There’s a lesson here. Mind your own business. Think before you speak. Don’t think so highly of yourself. You aren’t the head of anything but your own life.

Depression takes many forms. Over-eating. Under-eating. Anger. Extreme sadness. Irritability. Reckless behaviors. Suicide. So the next time you think about opening your mouth and saying something hurtful to someone else, why don’t you think about how you would feel if the tables were turned and someone got into your business and you were on the receiving end? I’d bet you wouldn’t like it very much. You never know when you are going to be talking to someone who is battling something like depression or something worse that you could be exacerbating. Do you really want to be responsible for the consequences of something like that going bad? So just don’t. Don’t say anything. Keep your thoughts to yourself unless you have something nice to say. And leave it at that. We depressants would thank you for that. Think about it and have A nice Cup of Jo today. Be HappyJ

Defining Mental Illness

 Defining Mental Illness

Mental illness is a very common problem that affects about 50 million Americans every year. About 17 million of those are affected with a disorder that affects the brain called depression. This illness interferes with school, work and daily life. It may affect the way a person thinks, feels and interacts with others. Depression is just as real as a heart attack or cancer and left untreated will last a life time and without treatment can become very debilitating. In recent years, great strides have been made in helping people with depression and now 80 percent can be helped by medications, meditations, psychotherapy and other means. Unfortunately, only a small percentage of persons seek help for their depression.

Types of Depressions – 4 Major Types

-Major Depression (Unipolar Depression): Most severe type of depression characterized by sad or empty mood, loss of interest in once pleasurable activities. This kind can occur once, twice or three times in a life time.

-Bilpolar Depressive Illness (Manic Depression): This type involves a mixture of cycles of depression with inappropriate euphoria, known as mania. These cycles can last days to weeks. The cycles can be rapid but more often are gradual.

-Dysthymia – A less severe type of depression. It involves long-term, chronic symptoms that resemble those of Major Depression but are not fully disabling, but impede normal functioning. Persons with Dysthymia can also experience episodes of Major Depression, known as Double Depression.

-Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): In this disorder, the symptoms occur in the winter. It is characterized by decreased energy, increased need for sleep and carbohydrate cravings. Many person with SAD are helped by psychotherapy and exposure to morning bright light.

Symptoms of Depression

-         Persistent sad, anxious or empty mood

-     Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism

      -     Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness

      -     Loss of interest in once pleasurable activities

      -     Insomnia, early morning awakening, or oversleeping

      -     Weight loss or weight gain

      -     Decreased energy, fatigue        

      -     Thoughts of suicide, or suicide attempts

      -     Restlessness, irritability

      -     Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions

      -     Persistent physical symptoms that don’t respond to medical treatment, such as

             headaches, digestive disorders and chronic pain.

Symptoms of Mania

    -   Inappropriate elations

    -   Inappropriate irritability

    -   Severe insomnia

    -   Grandiose notions

    -   Increased talking

    -   Disconnected and racing thoughts

    -   Increased sexual desire

    -   Markedly increased energy

    -   Poor judgment

    -   Inappropriate social behavior

If you find that you see yourself or someone you know in some of these symptoms, be sure to be a friend and listen, or if it is yourself, get some help. Talk to someone, preferably a therapist. Don’t try to be a therapist to someone else, though. You are not trained. But you can be a friend and listen. Don’t judge and say, “Oh, that doesn’t sound so awful” and things like that. What is awful to them may not seem so awful to you. It may be so awful that they could feel like committing suicide, so be very careful. Listen carefully and encourage them to speak to a professional.  Let them know that you are interested in them, that you care about them, that you will help them.

If you find yourself in this list somewhere, find a therapist and ask for help. Don’t suffer alone. You can’t fix yourself.  Reach out to someone you trust. Don’t be afraid to tell someone what is going on with you. That may be the hardest part; being vulnerable. It may be the biggest step you take. But it will be the most important step you ever take too. Ask for help. You are not alone. Millions of others are going through the same thing as you are and had to make that first step as well.  I did. I know how hard it is. But now I am stable and hopefully through the worst of it. I may have a Major Episode from time to time, I don’t know. But for now, I am stable and I have my meds and I am calm. You can be too if you will only ask for help. Reach out to someone. Reach out to me. I will be glad to message with you. Just message me. I will help you get started on the road to recovery.

From one who has been there and back again, may you find this information helpful for yourself or someone else and may you have A great Cup of Jo today. Be HappyJ

Reference: Sad, Angry, Lonely and Scared: The Masks of Depression  ISBN 1-55548-409-3

Medication vs. Non-Medication

                                              

            I often times think being depressed and having anxiety is like being cursed. There often seems like nothing that you do makes anything better. Then you go to your doctor or doctor’s many, many times and try numerous mixtures of different meds and if you’re lucky, you find the right combination that works for you. Well, after 20 years of this and several shrinks, the last one + 1.5 yr with him, we found a great combination of meds that have stabilized me for the moment.  At least I don’t have any low, lows at the present. Even with my husband gone for a month on the road, in the first week of it, I seem to be upbeat and positive about life, optimistic that all is well with the world. But then, I am unable to work and don’t have that stress on me either and I realize that would put stress on me if I was working.

            Not working keeps me from having to be around people that could cause me stress. I don’t have to pretend or try not to react to situations because I’m not around the situations. I’m not out in the general population where things occur that cause me to become depressed and feel hopeless and helpless. I’m home surrounded by my family who loves me and treats me with loving-kindness and respect and always uplifts me. I’m lucky and blessed in that regard. I’m protected and I realize that.

            I understand that most people are still struggling to get there medications in the right doses and right meds themselves ordered. It can be a long and drawn out process. I know, I’ve been there and it’s an agonizing process. There are a lot of anxious days and nights and moments when you have to work and don’t feel like it and you have to go out to grocery shop and don’t feel like leaving the house, etc. Just hang in there and don’t stop seeing your doctor and try to get to see a psychiatrist because they are the ones who can get you to the major meds that really work.

            I can also respect those of you who try this journey without using meds at all. I have a daughter who has depression and fibromyalgia and has had fibro since the age of 9 and she has only this year at the age of 28 started taken lortab in small doses and only when the pain is extremely bad. The rest of the time she just suffers it out on a heating pad. She has migraines too and just uses Excedrin. She just doesn’t want to get ‘hooked’ on anything and doesn’t want the long-term effects that the meds might have on her. She has been like this all of her life. The doctors ordered an anti-depressant at the age of about 12 and she refused to take it after reading up on it and never has. She has all the symptoms of depression, the outburst of anger and oversleeping, and the sadness that she masks well. But she is adamant against taken meds, whereas, I am just the opposite.

            I realize there are many holistic methods of dealing with depression and pain and I say ‘cudos’ to those of you who have the strength to deal with them in that way. There is yoga, meditation, herbs, treating the symptoms separately, dealing with the pain by heating pads, ice packs, exercise, etc. I can appreciate each person’s decision on how to deal with your illness and conditions and I don’t think anyone should judge the other for the way they choose to treat themselves. We each have our physical and emotional thresholds of pain.  Personally, I have a very low threshold of pain. I hurt extremely badly over everything. I guess. The way my daughter explains her pain and the way I see her suffer makes me think her pain is worse than mine yet I can’t stand my pain without taking my pain meds and she suffers through it with just a heating pad. And I see her symptoms of depression, yet she doesn’t take anything for it and I take mega meds to control mine. And I have to say, my depression is under control and I’m very happy about it. I remember when it wasn’t and it wasn’t a pretty picture. Periodically I have a major depressive episode to deal with, about 2-3 times a year, but most of the time now, on my current meds, I am stable for the most part.

            Don’t get me wrong. I have my days when I just sit in my room and be sad. I don’t feel like seeing anyone or going anywhere. I don’t care about anything. I do care about my family but no one else. I still have my blue days, my blah days, but not the deep depressive days of yesterday. Thanks to my meds. Now…if I run out of my meds and neglect to get them and go without them for a few days, like a week, even one of them and the balance of them gets askew, I begin to feel the old depression come back in and it feels really bad in a hurry. I rush out to get my meds and get back on them. So it is a balancing act that I have to stay on top of. I take my meds at the same time every day, in the morning right after I get up and then right before I go to bed at night. If I do that, I feel well.

            I still don’t want to be around a lot of people. I still don’t volunteer for activities where I’d be dealing with crowds or strangers. I am a loner. But as long as I keep my life in the same routine, I don’t have the drops into deep depression like I used to. And I’ll do anything to keep that from happening. I now know what to do and I do it. I know how to avoid situations that stir up my anxiety and I avoid those. You might say I avoid life but it’s not necessarily that way. It’s just that I know what to avoid to keep myself on the stable and narrow tract and having taken a long time to learn those things, I do them so I remain stable. Anyone would, right?

            So no matter if you take meds or if you go holistic, do it with all your might. Find your own way and may you be blessed in your endeavors to find peace and happiness. Know that you are not alone and that there are millions of people of here going through the same things that you are going through who would love to hear your story. It very well could be the story that encourages them. So comment with your story. Let us hear from you. We care about you and want to be there for you. We each have to find our own way and you never know that what you are doing could help someone else along their way. Let us hear from you. In the mean time, have A great Cup of Jo today! Be HappyJ

Negative Thoughts

                                                 NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

            Half of the battle, day to day, for me is controlling my thoughts. We know that we think some billion thoughts a day or something like that. We know that many thoughts cross our minds each second that don’t even correlate with one another, just random thoughts about any number of things. But when they become so negative that they affect your mood, then it becomes a problem and those of the thoughts I am talking about today.

            I often find myself just daydreaming about some idea that just pops into my mind and this idea cultivates itself into a full blown nightmare. Often times it may be about one of my grandchildren; maybe about them being abducted and the horrible things that could happen to them in that situation. I have to shudder and shake it off and say out loud “That is never going to happen. That was not the truth.” Sometimes it’s an exaggeration about my health issues that play out to my death in a gruesome manner. These thoughts are something I just can’t seem to control and when they happen they play all the way out until I realize I am allowing myself to be drawn into them and mentally have to stop them. I have to actually ‘catch’ myself at letting these thoughts flame into horrid situations and say “Stop! No more!” and shake myself out of it.

            This goes on for a lot of the day. It especially happens if I’m in between sleep and not sleep – that dozing state. Boy can I have some negative scenarios go on then. Or if I am asleep and dreaming bad dreams, I have to do the same thing to get rid of them. I have to wake myself up and literally shake myself ‘out of it’. It’s like the negative thoughts just control my mind and run rampant through my brain. I have to conscientiously stop the thought and replace it with something else – something positive.  I feel like it wipes the negative out somehow.

I believe in the power of physical energy. I believe there is a force field of energy all around us and it is controlled by many things and one of these is the spoken word.  Words are very powerful. By four words the universe was created (if you believe in the Holy Bible). God said “Let there be light!” and the universe was created. That is how powerful the spoken word is. Words build people up or tear people down. They are power.

            Words are just as powerful to hurt or calm people.   I believe that by speaking something, you can bring it into existence; by speaking something out loud, you draw that thing unto yourself. So begin to practice positive speaking and get rid of all the negative thinking and speaking and see if you notice a difference in your life. I have mine and countless others have too. There is something called physical quality of spiritual matter. That is what is affected by the spoken word. You actually change the molecules around you.

            So the next time you have that negative thought growing in your mind, stop it and speak out the opposite. The next time you speak a negative word, say “No” and speak out the positive of it. Try it. It can’t hurt anything just to try it. I believe you will start to see a difference in the way you see things and the way you feel about things. Things will start to turn your way. Surround yourself with positive people; people who give off positive vibes. Make your energy positive. You will exude positiveness in return.

            I know every day is a struggle with depression and anxiety. But maybe, just maybe, speaking and thinking positively can help in some small measure and remember, folks, baby steps, right? Baby steps. Stay health and be happy. Have A nice Cup of Jo todayJ

Old Memories - New Hopes

                                    OLD MEMORIES  -  NEW HOPES

            Even to a depressant, a New Year causes one to think about the possibility of good, new changes occurring that can erase the old pains and memories that continue to haunt us and cause those times of depression that hang on like a bad dream. We may not be able to whole heartedly and with euphoric joy make those Resolutions and Lists that we have plans to start at once to get at and get into and see results immediately. We know all too well that we are slow to start, slow to hope, have little to no energy and have that fear of failure tapping us on the shoulder from the beginning.

            Depressants seem locked in a time and space where the past never leaves and the future is too distant to believe in. The memories creep in often reminding us that we are unworthy of happiness, lieing to us telling us that we are to blame, have always been and will always be; there is no forgiveness. Time only marches – it doesn’t pass. Yesterday is always within touch, always an arms length away, only your old mean best friend, who won’t go away.

            After the unbearable pain lasted a lifetime, they took me into the delivery room. “Oh, my God!” the Doctor gasped. I passed out. The next week was a nightmare. There was no baby. He had died. No one came. My mother called me on the phone. “It was for the best.” She decided. I screamed at her. What was she saying? I asked where my baby’s body was. I wanted to bury it. I kept asking and asking. Finally the head nurse came in and rapidly shouted “Your baby has been cut up and sent across the street. Now are you happy?” I thought I would go insane. I threw a potted plant at her.

            When I got out of the hospital and went home, the nursery had been cleaned out as if I had never been expecting to bring a baby home. No one would speak to me about what happened. No one would tell me what happened to my baby. Not my husband, not my parents, not the doctor, no one. They all just kept saying it was for the best. I divorced my husband and to this day no one has mentioned my baby to me. He was dismissed as if he was never born.

            But he was born. I carried him for nine months. I felt him kick. I felt him squirm. I made a nursery. I had a shower. I gave him a name. Robert Wayne; after my daddy & my husband. I made plans to be his mother.  But they took all the memories and dismissed my son as if he was never meant to be and no one would talk to me about it. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that my doctor was my cousin and he was liable for something and back then you just swept things under the rug. I don’t know. I was all alone and my baby died. That’s all I know. I was only 18 and all alone. It was 1973.

            I’m not being melodramatic, this really happened. These are real, terrible memories I have of a time when my depression started. I was 18. I don’t know how I got through the next years except I did finally go to Nursing School and get my LPN and met a musician and had my two daughters. Having my daughters helped fill in the void I had felt from loosing my son. No one has ever asked me about my son throughout all these years, not any of my friends, family, no one. The only time he’s been mentioned is when I have brought him up and then people seem to feel uncomfortable. I have never understood it. My girls never made up for the loss, but they gave me something else to focus on. They made me happy to be a mother.

            There are things in our lives that happen that strips our hearts of its life and physical nature of personhood. There are those things that dry up our tears, scream in our minds and squeeze the very breath out of our lungs.  Things that somehow we have no control over and no matter how hard we try we can’t reverse or undo or make right or reshape into something better. Sometimes there are things that just seem to be out there to destroy us even though we don’t deserve it.

            And that’s the clincher. We don’t deserve it. But somehow we feel like we do deserve it. That’s what depression does for us. It makes us feel like we do deserve it. But we don’t. Because most of the time we have done nothing wrong. Our depression just lies to us and tells us that we are unworthy and tells us we get what we are due because we are less deserving than the next guy. But that isn’t true. We aren’t deserving of the judgment.

            What we have to do is make new memories. Live new lives. Keep on living. Hope new hopes. Speak new possibilities into existence. Shout out loud that which you want to be!  Decide what YOU want and speak it out loud many times, over and over until it flows so smoothly that you start believing it yourself without trying. Make it a reality in your mind. Speak it into existence. Speak it and you will believe it. What you believe will come to you. What you speak will draw itself unto you. What you expect will come to you. It is a spiritual quality of physical matter. I have seen it happen many, many times.

            Oh, you can’t just say “I will have a Mercedes” and whoosh! A Mercedes will appear. But you can say “I will become a gentle person”. “I will be more understanding.” “I will learn to convey my feelings in a more open manner that is not offensive to others.” “My children will become calmer. I will help them become calm.” etc.  Or who knows? Maybe you can get a new MercedesJ Positive speaking is a proven science that people have been practicing for decades and it is just as effective today as it was back when it was first announced as a technique for changing ones circumstance. Speaking positively certainly can’t hurt. It is certainly better than speaking negatively, isn’t it?  Who knows?  It just might work!  Right?

            So my challenge to you is to make new memories. Hope new Hopes. Put positive thoughts in your mind; replace those negative thoughts. Practice it daily or at least every time you think about it. Write positive thoughts you want to concentrate on onto 3 by 5 cards and place them around your home and in your car. Read them and speak them as you see them. Surround yourself with these positive thoughts everyday. I promise you things will start to change and you will see things in a different manner. Keep the thoughts within reason. Don’t profess the impossible. Make it reasonable. Make it attainable. But dream big. Hope big. Make new Hopes. Hope new Hopes. Replace the old memories with new ones. You may never forget. But you can have some good ones that follow to replace them, in a way.

            This is a new year. Make new memories – Hope new Hopes. God bless. Be happyJ   

Depression and the New Year

 Depression and the New Year

                                                           

 12-31-11

            New Year’s Eve is a very special day of the year; a day when everyone is happy and excited and celebrating what hopefully will be a new and different, fulfilling adventure. For depressants, often times, it is at most a day full of stressful doubts of dreams solemnly hoped for.  Depressants try to make New Years Resolutions positive and realistic but to be honest; personally, I just really go through the motions, being controlled by the numbness that I feel most of the time, anyway.

            I don’t mean to seem so down and well, depressed, but I guess in a way, I am. That’s how depressants are. Some of us don’t really get excited about a New Year coming. We don’t really make New Year’s Resolutions, unless you could call hoping that this year you make that ‘shift’ into that ‘better place’ and you actually do start feeling better all of the time, you actually do start believing that you are an ok person and you actually do stop worrying all the time about everything that isn’t going to happen anyway. That would be super nice. But you wish that every New Year’s Eve. What are you wishing for this year?

            It’s hard to be vulnerable like this. Vulnerability is weakness, right? Some even see it as a bitterness. (I can’t tell you how many times I have been judged and called bitter by people who have no clue; people who just don’t understand.) Mean people.  But it isn’t bitterness. It’s sadness. I mean, we’re depressed, people!  Until you’ve walked in my shoes…ya know?  Being vulnerable is being strong and it has taken me a long time to be honest about my feelings about my depression. I know people who are depressed who haven’t reached this point, who are still ‘pretending’ and locked into that mode of extreme stress. (When you let go and just be honest, some of the stress does go away and it helps.)

            I guess the one thing that a depressant lacks is passion. Passion drives us to strive forward and achieve, dream, plan and create. Depressants are just tired and lack desire to do anything. The commercials on TV are true. Depressants find themselves just sitting around staring at something, thinking the same thoughts over and over, reclusing themselves in their homes, trying to avoid others, sleeping a lot or finding themselves in patterns of insomnia. But most certainly, it is done alone or with one person who they have let into their safe little world or within the confines of their family home, away from prying eyes and questions they don’t want to answer. The stress is just too embarrassing because there are no answers.

            Even though there are reasons for our depression, there is shame and guilt that goes along with it. Shame that comes with not being able to maintain a sense of happiness like everyone else, shame that everyone else knows you can’t reach a level of joy in the simplest of situations. Guilt that you feel you have done something wrong for NOT being about to feel the happiness and joy, guilt that you feel the worthlessness.

Shame and guilt, even though you rationally know it’s partly biochemical, even though it does come from some of life’s occurrences; Life’s occurrences that you just can’t seem to shake off. 

One of my psychiatrists gave me a diagnosis of PTSS: Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  It was a shock but explained a lot the nightmares, the negative premonitions, etc - The things of the past that just wouldn’t go away no matter how much time had past and how many good things had occurred to replace them. I, in no way, am saying that I have it as badly as those poor guys who have come back from the wars with PTSS. But I have it non-the-less. And I can tell you, it’s no walk in the park.

 The nightmares are the worse. I can’t tell you the number of times my friends and my husband have woke me up from nightmares in the middle of the night, when I have been calling out “Help me, help me!” or something similar to that. It’s gone on for 30 years now. I don’t see that it will ever stop. I don’t see anything that can change it. It is depressing to know that, too. The nightmares are horrendous. The days following are super-depressing and full of anxiety, to say the least.

This may not be a very uplifting or positive New Years Eve blog, but I wanted to be honest about how I am feeling today. I mostly feel numb, as usual. I am grateful and blessed to have 2 happy, healthy daughters and son-in-laws, 9 grandchildren, who are safe, healthy and well taken care of and the most wonderful husband in the world.  I really couldn’t be happier, in my given situation, than I am right now. I have to accept I won’t ever feel ‘the normal happy’. With my family’s support, I’ll maintain ‘my’ norm. With my meds, hopefully, the Major Depressive episodes won’t return.

To all you Depressants, let us know we are not alone. Hopefully, we can have some fun, too! Try all the stress reliever techniques, the positive thinking and deep breathing. Let us put on our smiles and remember how lucky we are to have another year to even work towards our goals of shedding those shrouds of depression we have fought so valiantly against!

 Nonetheless, here’s hoping everyone has a happy, healthy and successful New Year! May your families grow in love and joy!  God Bless You and Yours! Be HappyJ

           

                A Cup of Jo – Happy New Year – 2012!

Method of Treatment & My Best Anti-Depressant

             RANDOM TANDOM EXPRESSIONS OF DEPRESSION -  A Cup of Jo                                                                 12-26-11

                                    Methods of Treatment & My Best Anti-Depressant

            Though I am a Nurse, I am by no means writing here as a medical professional on the subject of depression – most simply as one individual who has been depressed for most of my life and has been through much treatment and had many experiences to boot.  I know that there are several causes for depression, some of which are abnormal levels of bio-chemicals in the brain, abnormal levels of hormones in ones system, the effect of many other disease processes in the body (such as one of the resulting effects of fibromyalgia) and then those situations in life that cause the saddening effect that plummets one down deep into the dark place in which there is no joy to be found. Depression.

 For some, medications are effective and are prescribed and work relatively quickly (within 3 weeks for most) and cause a stabilization of mood to a more normal “happy” place in life. For some, it is harder to find the right medication or the right ‘mix’ of medication that does the job. For some, simply seeing a counselor or a psychiatrist and discussing what are bothering them seems to help. For some, a combination of the two does the trick. Often, as time goes on, the medications have to be changed and adjusted to compensate for the changing levels of chemicals and hormones in the blood stream, which seem to commandeer the mood levels and compensate for changing situations that life has swung your way.

There are many ways that counselors and psychiatrists suggest that you use to compensate the meds you are taking to take the edge off of your depression, to get you to a happier state of mind. They all say exercise. Great! If you WANT to exercise, if you are in the habit of exercising, if you are an exercise fanatic or if you can just WILL yourself to getting up and doing it. That’s all well and good. I have to say: It does help. It changes some levels of chemicals in the brain and makes for a more stable relaxed mood. So exercise does help, and it’s cheap.

Another thing that is suggested always is meditation. Many meditations are out there but there is one that was given to me by my last psychiatrist which I will now give you the link for and it is helpful. It is a meditation about LovingKindness.

This may help you: medicineyaleedu/psychiatry/yntc/care/resources.aspx .

Meditation helps to relax you; puts you in a calmer, more positive state of mind. You can learn these meditations, or parts of them, to say to yourself when you are out and about and something happens that upsets you and you need to calm down. Try it – it works. Plus, it helps to eliminate a lot of negative feelings you may have towards someone who may have done you wrong, that you may have unresolved issues with that may never be resolved. That has been very helpful to me. 

           

            I have to say that positive thinking and positive speaking has been my biggest ally.  I learned a long time ago to “Keep my mind on the things I do want, and off the things I don’t want.”  It works if you work it.  When negative thoughts enter your mind, say the complete opposite of it OUTLOUD. Or when you have negative thoughts that just won’t seem to go away, write them down on a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle of the paper and write the complete opposite of it on the other side of the paper. Then tear the paper down the middle. Throw away the left hand side of the paper and read what is left in your hand. They are all positive thoughts. Focus on these. I have used this method many times and it has worked as well. It is a way of retraining your mind to stay off the negative thoughts and focus on the positive possibilities instead. What you focus on will be drawn to you. I realize I am speaking to you as a depressed person who still takes medication to remain stable, but these additional techniques are invaluable tools in which I lean on to supplement my meds.

            I have to say, though, that through it all, it is a most valuable asset and blessing if you have the love and support of another human being who is close to you, who loves you and understands you, understands what depression is and what it does to you and how it works. There is no amount of money that can compare to the arms of a friend or a loved one when you just need that hug or love when you just don’t think you can go it alone one more minute. Someone in whom you can trust to be honest with about how you are feeling.  I am blessed in that area. I have my husband.

            His name is Chris. I met him 9 years ago though I looked for him all of my life. I knew him, knew what he would be like, what he would look like, how he would act, how his sense of humor would be, how his intellect would be, what his habits would be, what his interests would be. But it took me 48 years and 4 other marriages to find him. But I kept looking until I did find him. And though I gave up for a while, something inside of me one day said “He’s out there. Go find him.” And I did. And now I am content and have my one and only true soul mate in whom I have true telepathy with. They say opposites attract. I’d say that’s true. But I’m not so sure they are truly meant to be. I say that because Chris and I are so much alike we hardly have to talk to know what the other is thinking. We finish each other’s sentences or don’t even say them, just act on them. We’d much rather be just he and I than with any other persons in the world and we can sit and talk for hours or sit and say nothing at all for hours. He says every thing I’ve ever needed to hear that loves and calms my heart and soul and he says it all the time and he means it. I can tell. And I feel the same way about him. Let me tell you the story. I’ll make it short.

            I had been single for a while, had sworn off men, just working hard, taking care of my family and running a business. One day I heard about eHarmony and got my daughter to sign me up. Guess what? There was not one single match! In the world! I was so mad at that company. “What a rip off!” I thought. How could that be? So then I got my daughter to hook me up on Match.com. I met a few guys through that service, had a couple of dates that I thought would be “the one”, but they turned out to be duds. Nice guys, but just not him.

            I pray and I believe in God. So I prayed and asked God where I should look. He said “Huntsville, Alabama”.  I said, “Where is Huntsville? I’ve never heard of it!” But I went to Match.com in Huntsville and the first man that popped up was this businessman who I thought would never give me the time of day. He looked too proper for me. I’m kind of laid back, semi-hippy, guitar-carrying type. But I sent him my profile. I didn’t know it but when he got it, he almost deleted it because my name is Jo and he thought I was a guy. But he looked and saw that I was a woman, a nurse, etc. We started IMing, exchanged phone numbers and talked for about 6 months. One day he told me he loved me right out of the blue, right in the middle of a normal conversation about nothing. Later on I told him that it was time we met. “Either we have something going on here or I’m wasting my time.” I told him. So I drove up to Huntsville. (I wasn’t going to dare let him know where I lived.)

           

            The moment we laid eyes on each other, we fell madly in love and the rest, as they say, is history. We visited back and forth for 3 months and then talked about marriage. I got cold feet. He was talking to his father and step-mother about it one day and she told him…”So, go get her!” And he did. He drove down to MS and packed me up and took me back to Huntsville and we got married and that was that! We spent 2 years getting used to each other and it’s been blissful marriage ever since! True story. He is everything I ever knew, ever prayed he was or would be and more. He is a true romantic, my best friend and the best anti-depressant I have!  So am I depressed still? Yes. But I have Chris. And he is understanding and supportive and there for me in all the ways I need. God sent him to me a long time ago…it just took me a long time to find him.

Blessed in LoveJ